If you would’ve told me a year ago…

The most unexpected series of events happened while I was 29.

My husband and I had talked for years about if our future would include children or not. I was always adamant against it. He had always wanted to be a father.

I had my reasons to not want children. From growing up with a terrible relationship between my mother and me, to my mental health issues (anxiety, depression, body image, etc.) that I was trying to get under control.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, going on 11. It was always a source of contention between us. Something unspoken whenever we were around friends who had kids, when a show would bring up either having or not having kids. It always felt very tense.

I had brought up adoption and all the other avenues that were possible, they just weren’t practical for us. So, I decided to stop taking my birth control at the beginning of December and see what happened. We weren’t even sure if we could have children naturally.

At the end of December, I was feeling off so I took a pregnancy test. I actually took 5 pregnancy tests. All of them were positive. Faint, but definitely positive.

I was silently freaking out. All my thoughts went to how my body was going to change, how I was going to have to push this baby out of me, etc. One thing you should know is that all my life I have struggled with body image issues. I was terrified of how I was going to look during and after pregnancy.

I went to see a therapist. She helped me see things a little more clearly. She said the line that my husband loves, “It doesn’t last forever”. Let me tell you, those 8 months felt like they were never going to end, especially at the end.

She advised me to get actual maternity clothes, not so much for my comfort and my growing belly, but for my mental health. So that people would see me and think “pregnant” instead of “fat”. Again, my personal issues. I did what she said and it helped. A lot.

Notice how before I had said “8 months”? Yup, my baby girl came 4 weeks early. Big shock to everyone.

She arrived 2 weeks after my husband and I moved across the country. By car. With 3 dogs in tow. I remember counting my lucky stars that she didn’t decide that she wanted to be a part of the world while we were on the road those few days. That was one of my bigger fears when my husband brought up his job opportunity and moving to another state.

Everyone, myself included, was so sure that it was Braxton Hicks. My husband and I were out at breakfast when it started getting bad. I downloaded an app from my phone (thank you, internet) for timing contractions as soon as we got back to where we were staying.

Oh yeah, side note; we didn’t even have a house to move into at that time. It would be another full month before we could get settled.

Labor was a whole mess that I may or may not get into in a future post.

We welcomed our baby girl a day before my own birthday.
I had a difficult time bonding with her for about a week but, my husband loved her as soon as he held her. They spent most days (and nights) together during feeding sessions (bottle since she didn’t latch well back then).

Now I am absolutely in love with her. I have more photos of her in my phone than my dogs, which I never would have thought possible. Everything she does (mostly) is adorable. She’s beginning to show her own personality now and it amazes me. Her smile captivates me and I can’t help but smile back.

If you would’ve told me a year ago that this would be my life, there is no way that I would have believed you. If you would’ve told me the same thing 2-20 years ago, I would have laughed in your face.

She has changed me for the better. I don’t know what my life would have looked like without her but, I‘m glad that I don’t have to find out.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: